My Valentine

The first Valentine's Day that Bob and I ever celebrated we were dating but he was miles away on the ship he was posted on in the Navy. Somewhere on the ship they had a set up where sailors could order and have flowers sent to their loved ones. So I was pleasantly surprised when I received a bouquet of a dozen roses with branches of red hearts scattered through out. I still have those hearts, they sit in a vase on my hutch.

Our first year of marriage we went to a couples dinner with our Sunday School class. Next door there was a high school dance. At the age of 19, I barely looked old enough to be a married woman. Bob was five years older and he had a full black beard. He was teasing me and I had just slapped his hand, when a police officer, working the dance, stepped up and asked me if the gentleman was bothering me. Bob quickly snatched my hand and showed him my ring - "She's my wife!' I never let him forget I could have had him arrested LOL!

In the early years of our marriage we usually got dressed up and went out to dinner. Bob was not good at cards or mushy stuff, but he was always appreciative of my pretty dress and couldn't wait to rush home and - well you know. He also always loved it when I wore perfume.

While we celebrated Valentine's Day it wasn't a huge day in our love affair. Bob was never one to buy into the "popular landmarks" throughout the year. He preferred to tell me everyday that he loved me. So time went on and we went out less and stayed in more, sometimes there were cards, sometimes not, we didn't ignore it and we always told each other how glad we were to be "Mr. and Mrs.".


One time we had our picture taken for the church directory and when the photographer asked him how much he loved me he surprised me with a kiss. The fast reacting (and probably lucky) photographer captured the moment and I treasure that photo.

There was a year when I went in to get an ultrasound during a difficult pregnancy only to find that the pregnancy was no longer. It was a very sad (and crappy) day to find out. Bob had also chosen that year to get me a card, a box of chocolates and a book. Unfortunately the book was a Danielle Steel book that starts with a miscarriage (he didn't know). I think that put him off of giving gifts ect on the day for the rest of his life.

I don't even remember what we may or may not have done last year. He had been in and out of the hospital and I was too exhausted to even take note of any particular holiday.

But Bob made me feel loved and special. He was often trying to make my life easier. The last Christmas gift he arranged was a rug cleaner. In his mind it would help lift my load. He made me waffles up until the last month. After getting him up and dressed for the day we would hug and he would tell me I was beautiful and I would tell him how glad I was that he was my husband. He defended, encouraged and supported me.

Not every day was easy, not every conversation was comfortable. We were both stubborn, independent and in some ways selfish or self centered and difficult. But we always knew we loved each other and we were precious to each other. So in some way every day was Valentine's day and so as this year the day on which everybody else celebrates their love approaches I find that it doesn't leave me in tears, because I remember our love every day.

 

Once upon a time there was a young couple who went to have their photo taken for the Church directory.

 It just so happened that the day they were scheduled for their picture was Valentine's Day.

In honor of the day the young wife wore a red sweater with a gold heart locket.
The husband wore his traditional Greek fisherman's hat and his favorite sweater with a sailboat on it.

They both loved to sail and had a little trailer-able sailboat that they loved to travel with and on.

They had married young and so now that they were in their late twenties early thirties they no longer could call themselves Newlyweds. They had a home and a boat to maintain and an active group of friends both at church and with their Sailing club. They were very busy, working and playing and getting ready to start a family.They had jobs that required a fairly long commute everyday, which they did together.

 In fact they lived so far from work that the photo session was scheduled for right after work and then they would go out to dinner and finally get home late that night only to get up early and start all over again.

I tell you these facts so you will know that even though they had been married awhile and they were very busy and sometimes worn out by all that they did building a life together - they were very much in Love.

 And this picture is proof. How?

They were sitting in front of the camera chatting with the photographer when he asked the husband

"How much do you love her?"

Without waiting a beat the husband surprised the photographer and the wife by turning and giving her a kiss on her cheek.

It's a good thing the photographer was fast because even though he was surprised he still caught the moment.
And this picture was treasured by the young couple for the rest of their lives.

And even though He is gone, it's still my favorite picture of us.

 

Milestones and Holidays

I have begun to experience a few of the "Milestones" that will inevitably occur during the first year of becoming a widow. I don't like that word, I feel like I'm too young for it. It feels like I'm putting a period to my life long before I'm ready to. My sister offered a different descriptive "Wife Emeritus" I like that much better. So I have now reached  the one month stage, one month ago he died, four weeks ago we had his memorial service, nest week it will be one month since we buried him.

There has already been a holiday to get through - Memorial day. Not a very benign holiday when you think about it. He was a Navy Veteran and He left this earth in May, so I guess Memorial Day will always be bittersweet to me. I spent it horseback riding with some friends, I fell off but it wasn't my fault (or the horse's) and neither of us was hurt, then on to a picnic. There were lots of folks who made me feel welcome and distracted me with  a variety of other things to talk about.

The next one coming is The Fourth of July, that one will be tough. We usually went to Bayview Idaho for the fireworks, but last year he was in the hospital and couldn't go. Two years ago we went partway down the Hiawatha Trail. This year I am trying to get a party to go with me and I will be going to a picnic with friends and then later that weekend to see the fireworks with other friends (Those are always on a Sat regardless of when the Fourth is). I really want to ride the Hiawatha Trail this year because who knows where I will be next year, no that I am planning on going anywhere , but you never know where God is going to want me to be.



All of these summer holidays are going to be tough and they have been ever since Bob got sick. We were very active folks and we loved to camp, kayak, canoe, hike and sail. Two years ago when we went down the Hiawatha, it had been years since we had done anything like that. I just stood on the trail looking out over the vista and sniffled because I was so excited to be out in God's wilderness with Bob once again. And now I hope that I will continue to have more adventures, I'll just have to take a little time out to remember the ones from years past and remember the joy that bob and I had with each other as we explored God's wonderful earth.  

 

 Hiawatha Trail Fourth of July 2012

 

 Sailing San Francisco Bay Father's Day 1990's

 

 Riding our bikes around Angel Island 1990's

 

        Kayaking in Alaska 2005

Spirit of Independence

In Spite of His Challenges
 
This has been a long, long, winter up here in the PNW, and Bob has come down with a serious case of cabin fever. Every day that the sun would shine he would ask me if it was cold outside.

Translation: Can I go out???

But since those clear days are usually cold (8 degrees and below) the answer was - no. Bob is very sensitive to temperature and if he gets cold his muscles get tight, rigid and painful.Finally we began to hit the 50's and he has petitioned to go out every day he can.

At first I was a little apprehensive, because he is so vulnerable. Ever since he got the first scooter he has booked it to any place he can get to in 20 mins or less. Even down to the local Mall. He was always loaded down with technology (after all this is Bob). his last scooter had lights all over it, including a strobe light, a flag, a GPS and his cell phone.
 
But now he has a new wheelchair and we haven't figured out how to install all of that on it yet. Also last year we had an incident very nearby that resulted in the death of an older gentleman. So at first I confined him to the property Where I could monitor him with the cameras scattered around the place. It was kind of funny seeing him out the with his chair tilted back so he could catch the warmth of the Sun. Then he offered to go across the street to get a much needed item from the drug store. The following day he managed to convince me to let him go to Costco (again just across the street) where he ate his way through the Warehouse.
 
And so it goes, his wandering spirit can not be kept down.
 
Always a Wanderer
 
Bob has always been a wanderer.
 
If we were on our way to  social event and we came to an intersection he would usually turn the opposite direction from where our destination lay. Used to drive me nuts.
 
When we sailed our boat thru the San Juan Islands he would get into the kayak and disappear for HOURS. I finally got him a hand held marine radio, so what does he do??? I am relaxing on our boat, reading a book and thinking about getting ready to start dinner when I hear over the radio:
"Luck O' The Irish,
 Luck O' The Irish,
 Luck O' The Irish,
This is Serious Business, do you copy?"
We were anchored in a bay on Shaw Island and he was calling me from Friday Harbor on San Juan Island, the Island across the San Juan Channel, the Island that is on a major Washington Ferry route. He says he needed some foot powder.
 
The first time we ever boarded one of those ferries to go to Victoria BC he disappeared for 2 hours. He had been invited down into the engine room.
 
Finally we agreed he could go and explore with a three hour time limit. When he returned I would accompany him and he could show me the highlights (I'm more destination oriented)
 
May His Spirits Never Be Crushed
 
As long as I can, no matter how hard, I will always try to support his desire to be independent and adventurous. That doesn't mean I won't have some restrictions for safety reasons. He wanted to go to Home Depot, so last Sunday we got out the scooter and with him in his chair, me on the scooter and the doglette on a leash (and later in my lap) we "motored" to Home Depot. Along the way we were saluted by three bikers, waved at by folks we knew and the dog grinned back when they pointed at her and laughed.
 
If we can, next Fourth of July we are going to do the Hiawatha Trail all the way to the end as last time we started too late in the day and only made it part way before going back up. It's good to have goals, things to look forward to.  Bob reminds me of the song from "Paint Your Wagon"
 
"When I get to Heaven tie me to a tree
'cause if I get to wanderin you know where I will be"

 Bob and our Kayak "Serious Business"


 


Canoeing on the Hood Canal

On his way to the Mall



On the Hiawatha Trail 

Flashback

One Sunday afternoon Bob and I were indulging in a low key day by hanging out on our beds watching TV, occasional conversations, the doglette laying at our feet. Some of the conversations were mundane, some funny and some were of a more somber tone.
 
February and some of March had been two very tough months for us. Bob had been rushed to the ER twice and admitted to the hospital each time. The second time was due to a choking incident.
 
Rabbit Trail-
 
The Choking Incident:
Bob had fallen asleep while eating lunch, in doing so he sucked down two large pieces of un-chewed chicken that became lodged in his throat. I attempted a Heimlich maneuver but it was almost impossible to do. Especially if you have never had to do it for real before,you are panicked, your husband is disabled and lying in a hospital bed. Fortunately he could still breathe but that could have changed instantly as the culprits were poised on the edge of disaster.
 
The Paramedics were called, he was loaded up and rushed to the ER. From there things began to escalate. The ER cold not remove it, so he was sent to the Endo unit to retrieve it with "tools. Long story short, they had some challenges getting it out and everything got really exciting for a bit and he had to spend the night in ICU with a tube down his throat to keep the swelling at bay.
 
Back to the lazy Sunday-
 
There were a lot of things that we needed to talk about and one of those things was how this disease was progressing and more specifically what we thought, how we felt and what we believed about the fact that his time on earth is coming to a close. It's a hard thing to face that you could have a year, some months or a few moments left. We have been together for 35 years, we are best friends, our biggest fans. We encourage and cheer each other on, if we could be that little old couple in our 90's found in bed holding hands as we passed into Glory that's who we would be. But that's not what is going to happen and so we talk, in fits and bits. Telling each other how much we love each other, speculating what we can expect when we take that step into heaven, agreeing to meet at the Sheep Gate.
 
As I gazed at his so very dear face, I had a flashback to a time not so long ago of the Bob I have almost forgotten. The one I knew before the precious man laying in this bed who is now so dependent on me.
 
The Flashback-
 
In my mind's eye was the Bob who always wore a black Greek hat, twinkling brown eyes and a mischievous cheeky grin, laughing at some bit of nonsense that only we knew. He also wore his signature plaid Levi's shirt, blue jeans that for some reason made him look more like a geek than a cowboy, not just because of the Navy Corforms on his feet, or maybe those 70's harness boots. He stood there in my mind laughing, full of life and zest and beckoning me to join him on the latest adventure. And I knew god was reminding me of who was going to meet me at the Sheep Gate. He wanted to remind me of who Bob had been to me for so  long before this disease started to take him from me bit by bit. And I cried. I miss him. The relationship and time that we have right now is precious and we are probably closer that we have ever been, but oh if I could have my partner in crime back.....
 

                       Thank you God for reminding me of the whole Bob, the one who will be waiting for me at the Sheep's Gate.